Harry Potter and the order of the Redneck
by Ruby Faust-Will and Zeke
Summary: A Harry Potter Parody that takes place During the Order of the Pheonix featuring two original characters, this was written as a comedy and i look forward to your reviews. Hope you enjoy. Will Contain smut at a later date.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Ezekial Soaring Crow and William Crimson Neck weren't your average students at Hogwarts; you see they were American wizards. There are some distinct differences between American wizards and British wizards one of which being that in place of wands American wizards carried magical buck knives, another difference being that many would argue that they lacked the refinement of their British counter parts, although the biggest difference between British and American wizards without doubt was that American wizards were known for their brazen nature and indomitable spirit. Ezekial known as Zeke and William commonly referred to as Squirrel or Will, were not only American wizards, they were American redneck wizards; who through some unlikely circumstance had found themselves accepted into Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry as seventh years, though they were both in their twenties, they'd been held back a few times.

Neither Zeke nor Squirrel sat with the other students in the grand hall instead they sat near the back in lawn chairs tormenting Neville Longbottom by using the accio spell on every piece of food he picked up before he had a chance to eat it.

"This year we have two new students joining us as seventh years, let us please welcome Ezekial Soaring Crow and William Crimson Neck." Announced Dumbledore.

The grand hall was filled with applause and chatter as Dumbledore continued to make announcements.

"Now that our new first years have been assigned to their houses I would like to invite our two new seventh years up to try on the sorting hat to determine their houses as well." Again announced Dumbledore.

"Nah it's cool dude, we brought our own house but thanks for offering." Replied Squirrel in a half drunken stupor as he stood up picking his belly button motioning to a double-wide trailer outside; as Zeke continued to torment a very frustrated Neville Longbottom.

"You can't simply come to Hogwarts and ignore our principles!" Exclaimed Draco Malfoy.

"Hey, fuck you, ah~ight!" Retorted Zeke cockily.

Malfoy sat down not entirely sure how to respond, as Dumbledore cleared his throat simply choosing to ignore this problem as he went on with his announcements as Snape and McGonnagal glowered at the new students who had returned to their lawn chairs and beer.

After dinner and the announcements had been made Squirrel and Zeke staggered out into the hall to be greeted by a woman dressed in all pink who seemed a bit upset by something though neither of them could figure out what could possibly be upsetting the woman.

"Gentlemen, my name is Delores Jane Umbridge, I am a representative of the ministry of magic, and thus a representative of the minister of magic himself and I would like a word with you two about your unruly behavior this evening." Stated a rather annoyed Umbridge.

"Do huh?" Responded both inebriated wizards in unison having no comprehension what this woman was talking about.

Umbridge exhaled slowly and looked back at the two American wizards tying her best to give off the impression that she was completely calm and collected; though just below the surface she was fuming with rage.

"Gentlemen, this is a school and like any school it has rules that I feel I need not say must be followed." Stated Umbridge adding a tone of superiority to her voice.

"Now look here Ms. Dee~lorian, I ain't really into that dominatrix stuff but if you're lookin to play with mah magic wand you can come on back to the trailer." Responded Squirrel gleefully as he took another swallow of beer.

Umbridge stormed off furiously as Zeke and Squirrel staggered off in the direction of their trailer.

Walking back to the double-wide the duo stopped a moment to look at the womping willow. The two sat in contemplative silence taking in the majesty of this beautiful tree and all the history it must have seen over the years for about .0002 seconds before Zeke calmly asked, "Deer stand?", after a moment Squirrel nodded and replied "Deer stand." As the two stood planning how to erect a deer stand in the tree they were joined by a large bearded man.

"Hello you two." Said the bearded stranger pleasantly.

"Sup" Responded Zeke.

Shortly followed by a "Howdy?" From Squirrel.

"I see you've taken an interest in the Womping willow, that there's a mean tree that is. My name is Hagrid by the way." Stated the large bearded man

"How's a tree gonna be mean?" Asked Zeke turning around to get a good look at the new comer for the first time.

"Well ya see that there ain't no ordinary tree. It has a sort of mean nature and attacks anything what comes too near it." Answered Hagrid.

"Hold up, so it's a tree that kills shit?" Inquired Squirrel enthusiastically.

"Well, I suppose you could say that yeah." Replied Hagrid a bit perplexed by the two strange wizards in front of him.

"I can dig it." Commented Zeke as the two turned back to further examine the tree.

"Hey look'ere, they don't call me Squirrel for shits and giggles. Well actually they call me Squirrel because I worked for a place sucking water outta damn flooded houses, and I cut a drain hole in the ceiling there, and a Squirrel nest fell on my head and it had poop in it, ye know. Hell I was gonna go by Poop to be funny, but they said that'd be unprofessional or something. I don't know but look'ere, trees are my nature you big scraggily sumbitch, and I want to sit in that tree, and shoot at deer. If the tree likes killin' shit then I don't much reckon it'll have a problem with me adding to the distance in what have ye that it can reach." Blasted off a suddenly angry Squirrel.

"Well I think I'm going to be going and I'd suggest you two do the same." Stated Hagrid as he began walking away, not sure that he understood a word the little American wizard had said.

"Dude that guys must've been like a wizard or something cause he knew we were out of beer and that we needed to go home to get some more from the trailer." Mused Zeke.

"Don't be dumb, there ain't no such thing as wizards." Retorted Squirrel as the two walked drunkenly back to the double-wide.

Draco Malfoy awoke to what sounded like paws scurrying away and a foul smell, but the young wizard quickly shrugged it off and rolled back over to get some sleep. However when he rolled over he found his face was in something soft and warm and the foul odor he had smelled earlier had greatly intensified. After a moment he realized that he had rolled over into feces.

As Zeke and Squirrel cracked open the first beer of the morning a puppy sauntered in and sat at their feet. The screams of Draco Malfoy could now be heard across the grounds of Hogwarts. The two rednecks took a sip of beer before congratulating their dog on a job well done. The dog's name was Lilly and she was a boxer pit mix that was approximately six months old. After a light breakfast of a six pack of Budweiser each and a couple half eaten donuts they had found in the folds of the couch Squirrel and Zeke were ready to begin their day.

"Hey Squirrel where is that there potions class at?" Asked Zeke as he tried to read a map of the castle.

"I don't know but I must be more drunk that I thought cause I could swear them there stairs is movin." Stated Squirrel as he pulled a Corona from one of the eighteen packs that they were carrying.

Sometime later the two managed to find their way to the potions classroom.

"You two are late." Stated Snape flatly.

"Is this potions?" Asked Squirrel as he picked his belly button and looked around the room.

"It is." Responded Snape in an irritated tone.

"Alright, and who are you?" Asked Zeke as he crushed a beer can and threw it into the corner of the room.

"You may call me professor Snape and if you two don't have anymore stupid questions you may take your seats." Said Snape as he turned and walked back to the front of the classroom.

"Accio Lawn chair!" Exclaimed Squirrel and Zeke Simultaneously as they brandished their knives.

The two sat in the back flicking the caps from beer bottles as they finished them, at the other students who turned angrily only to see the two young men sitting innocently. Though occasionally when a young lady would look back Squirrel would attempt to proposition her for less than moral things.

"You two imbeciles, pay attention!" Yelled an angry Snape.

"Hey, I'm paying attention! Look at this chick's ass, Tape! Look at it!" Squirrel shouted back, pointing at Hermione Granger.

"I will not tolerate this behavior in my classroom!"

"You gotta admit, it is a nice ass." Interjected Zeke.

Everyone cowered a little as Squirrel abruptly stood up, and pulled out his knife.

"Accio, ass!" He shouted.

Hermione screamed as her chair flew backwards, yanking her with it for a couple of feet.

"You know, you probably could have went without slapping her ass, bud." Said Zeke, as they sipped beer, walking together down the castle lawn.

"Hell far, I don't summon booty unless I am either going to slap it, or worse."

"Aiiight I reckon that's- Hold the fuck up what is that!"

Squirrel looked as best as his beer goggles would let him in the direction that Zeke was pointing.

"Ah hell, that's one of them horse things that crazy girl plays with all the time. You cant see em unless you've witnessed someone die. Who'd you see die?" Squirrel answered.

"My cousin, John. Autoexotical ass fixation the doctor people called it. I was watching him cause I was gonna see how long it took for the ceiling fan to break. You?"

"Brother Jimmy. Weird sort of dude, but crazy as hell. He met his maker in the great racing mower crash of '97. Insisted on an open casket funeral, too. Crazy as hell."

The two made their way over to the Thestrals, and five minutes later , Hagrid peered out his window at the sounds of yelling, horses, and a generally loud commotion. His eyes were greeted by the sight of Zeke riding around on a bucking, and clearly upset Thestral, while Squirrell stood below laughing and drinking his ever-present beer.


	2. Chapter 2

"How can I be of assistance gentleman?" Asked Dumbledore not entirely sure how the two American wizards had gotten into his office.

"Well..." Said Squirrel as he was picking his bellybutton.

"You see we was wonderin where your breaker is." Finished Zeke as he took a swallow of corona.

"I am afraid that I must inform you that we do not have a breaker at Hogwarts." Stated a mildly confused Dumbledore.

"Now look here Dumbledude you're being a Dumbledick!" Retorted Squirrel as he smashed a beer bottle on the ground.

After a rather heated argument where Squirrel had attempted to eat Faukes the two found themselves angrily storming through the halls of Hogwarts. As they were passing through the halls leaving a trail of empty beer bottles behind them they happened upon an argument between Mcgonagall and Umbridge.

"Hey there De-lorean you leave Professor Mcgoggles alone she's nice!" Shouted a very irate Squirrel.

"This does not concern you two!" Shouted Umbridge her face reddening in rage.

Zeke stepped forward and poured the remaining half of his beer over Umbridge's head who stood there in shock for a moment before pulling out her wand and pointing it at the Drunken American who in one fluid motion brought up his knife and cut Umbridge's wand in half. Umbridge stood there stunned for a moment then tears came to her eyes as she ran away.

"The minister will hear of this you too!" Shouted Umbridge as she retreated down the corridor.

Squirrel and Zeke turned around to a gathered applause and loud cheering.

"That was rude, brash, and tactless…but I couldn't be more grateful" Stated Mcgonagall.

"Well seeing as how you're so grateful and what not could someone please tell us where the breaker is?" Asked Zeke as he fished another beer out of the case.

"I'm sorry gentlemen but I am afraid that Hogwarts does not run on electricity." Said Mcgonagall almost sympathetically.

"So what you're saying is, you've never watched the television box?" Replied Squirrel in a tone of complete shock.

"I don't even know what that is."

"Ah-ight look here, if you can give us permission we will gladly install electricity in this sumbitch."

Dumbledore sat in his office contemplating the situation with the death eaters when he heard a loud crash and felt a mighty tremor that knocked him out of his chair. He got up and quickly scrambled to the source of the commotion. When he arrived he joined a group that consisted Snape, Umbridge, Filch, several students, and now himself. They watched in awe as the two Americans backed a large bulldozer out of the corridor each taking a sip of their ever present beers.

"Don't worry it's cool y'all we just needed a good spot to start electrifying the up the castle!" Shouted Squirrel over the noise of the dozer.

"WOO!" Shouted Zeke at no one in particular as he staggered off and sat on a piece of the rubble.

"Enough!" Shouted Dumbledore causing the rest of the group he was standing in to take a few steps back.

"Hey Dumbledouche we tried to be civil with yee, but you wouldn't have it." Retorted Squirrel Angrily.

"I am the Headmaster of this school and I will not permit this kind of activity on these grounds!"

"I ain't got to listen to you your from cat-chicken house"

Dumbledore brandished the elder wand and cast a fire ball at the young wizard who in turn pulled out a super soaker and extinguished the flame.

"Now that wasn't very nice but being *hic* the reasonable man I am I can see why you might be a little upset so let's compromise." Stated Zeke as he walked up next to the bulldozer.

"What kind of compromise do you suggest?" Asked Dumbledore.

"The Fuck's a compromise?" Interjected Squirrel

"Get us a generator and we'll leave you folk to your stone-age life style, sound like a deal?" Asked Zeke ignoring Squirrel's question.

"Under a few conditions."

"Ah-ight, what's the conditions?"

"You must attend classes sober and refrain from picking fights with your teachers."

"That ain't any kind of fair, and we ain't never picked a fight with no teachers." Spat Squirrel before puking violently on Ms. Norris who ran away quickly. Squirrel couldn't help but smile at this he knew how cats had to clean themselves.

"If I'm not mistaken you two assaulted professor Flitwick then trapped him in a trash can and rolled him within range of the womping willow."

"He started it."

"In what way could he have possibly merited that type of treatment?"

"He said trailer house weren't a legitimate house."

"It isn't one of the four houses that make up Hogwarts."

"Hey! Don't get all high and mighty Hogwarts ain't all that great look at your houses, ya got Chicken cat house, snake house, Jigglypuff house, and bird foot house."

"What the hell's a hufflypuff anyway?" interjected squirrel.

"The houses were named after the men who founded Hogwarts and their names are-"

"Look point bein that you have a magical hat that sorts out everyone by reading their minds, and all the ones in a certain house end up being like serial killers and criminals and you still teach em to do crazy magic shit."

"We here at Hogwarts believe in freedom of ch-"

"We got a deal or not Dumbledude?"

Squirrel and Zeke walked back to the trailer triumphantly toasting a pair or Coronas to the generator they would soon have. As they were walking back they encountered Luna Lovegood petting a young Thestral.

"Hi crazy girl." Greeted Squirrel

"Oh, good evening you two, how are you tonight?" Asked Luna

"We're good, how bout you?" Asked Zeke

"I'm well simply enjoying the night, you two are rather odd though."

"In what way?"

"Well you do bad things, but the two of you aren't bad not really. And I suspect that's why Dumbledore lets you continue to stay here."

"Ya know we're getting a generator soon, you should visit some time."

"Yes, that might be fun, well goodnight."

With that Luna skipped off back in the direction of the castle and Squirrel and Zeke continued their walk back to the trailer.

When they arrived at their trailer they were greeted by the sight of professor Mcgonagall sitting on the steps.

"Hey there Mcgoogle you wanna come in for some drinks?" Asked Squirrel and Zeke in unison.

"Even though I'm from Chicken-cat house?" Asked Mcgonagall with a chuckle.


	3. Chapter 3

Will & zeke chapter 3: Sobriety…

Day 1

As the sun had just begun to rise we find our two young wizards sitting unhappily in their trailer the puppy Lily walking around sniffing and such as dogs do. Today began their first day sober and they were already wondering if the generator they had acquired was worth it.

"This sucks." Said a very sober squirrel.

Zeke just half-heartedly grunted in reply as he stood up frowning and got a cup from the cabinet on the wall above the sink and filled it with water before taking an unhappy sip. He had a headache as did squirrel. After making his way back to the couch with water in hand he took a few moments to pet Lily.

Sometime later the two wizards found themselves in the defense against the dark arts class which was being taught by an unusually smug Umbridge. The two young men had their heads down on the desk desperately trying to nurse their hangovers. Umbridge continued to drone on about this that or the other as the two wizards groaned unhappily at her shrill annoying voice which was simply making their aching heads feel worse. But much to their dismay Umbridge began shouting Squirrel and Zeke rose their heads both scowling now to be greeted with the sight of a shouting match between Umbridge and some kid with glasses on who to them looked somewhat like Theodore from Alvin and the chipmunks.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH LIKE DAMN WE GET IT YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING YOU HAVE A JOB THAT LET'S YOU ACT LIKE A HOITY TIOTY LITTLE CUNT BUT YOU AREN'T IMPRESSING ANYONE YOU'RE ANNOYING NOW I HAVE A MONSTER HANGOVER AND YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT ASSERTING DOMINANCE AREN'T HELPING!" Shouted Squirrel drawing everyone's attention and eliciting a pained groan from Zeke.

"Excuse me?" Asked Umbridge somewhere between bewildered and enraged.

"You're excused, there's the door." Replied Zeke gesturing toward the door.

"See me after class you two and you as well Mr. Potter!" Shouted Umbridge before taking a deep breath and walking back to the front of the class.

Squirrel and Zeke simply put their heads back down doing their best to ignore Umbridge droning on as she seemed to love to do.

After class the two Americans as well as Harry Potter found themselves in the office of Delores Umbridge.

"So does this this office scream demented psychopath to anyone else?" Zeke asked no one in particular as he looked around the small office.

"More like please notice me I need attention." Scoffed Squirrel.

Umbridge glowered at the two of them, then Harry before placing a sheet of paper and a quill in front of each of them.

"You haven't given us any ink professor." Harry said puzzled.

"Don't worry you won't be needing any, now I want you to write 'I must not tell lies' and you two will write 'I will show respect for authority' is that understood?"

"How many times?" Harry asked still somewhat confused.

"Let's just say until the lesson has sunk in." Umbridge responded with a sickening giggle.

After completing the first line each of the three felt a dull pain in their hands that quickly grew more painful and when they looked down they saw the words etching themselves into their skin and settling in their flesh. Harry looked up from his hand to Umbridge who looked back at him wearing a mock smile.

"Is there a problem Harry?" Umbridge asked in a sickening tone of mock concern.

"Of course there's a fucking problem!" Zeke said standing up, knocking the desk over as he did drawing his buck knife a moment later.

"The problem is this is some fucked up shit!" Squirrel added standing as well and kicking over his desk.

"Y-you will sheathe those weapons this instant!" Umbridge shouted clearly afraid.

A moment later squirrel picked up the chair he had been sitting in and slammed it against a cat plate covered wall as Zeke walked over and flipped Umbridge's desk and then proceeded to snap every pen she had so neatly organized in two.

"You two get out of here this instant!" Umbridge screeched at the top of her lungs.

The two Americans spat at Umbridge before picking turning and exiting the room but not before grabbing Harry by the arm and dragging him out with them.

When they got back to the trailer they moved some old beer bottles and food wrappers off of a beat up old arm chair they had found by the roadside and sat Harry down before taking their normal seats on the couch.

"Uhm, not to be rude but what am I doing here guys?" Harry asked not entirely sure what was going on.

"Well ya see what had happened was we kinda fucked the shit up out of her office and we weren't just gonna leave you there to deal with the fall out." Zeke said petting Lily who had taken the middle seat between the two American wizards.

Harry was silent staring between the two who until this point he had thought were nothing but trouble. Squirrel moved his wife beater up slightly and began to pick at his belly button some while Zeke simply continued petting the puppy before pulling an old bagel out of the couch and taking a bite of it. A moment later Squirrel got up and went to the fridge and grabbed three beers he gave one to Harry tossed one to Zeke and popped the cap on the third and started drinking it.

"Well when in Rome I guess." Harry said before popping the cap of the miller high life that had been handed to him and taking a sip.

"Wait a sec I thought we was at pig pimples." Zeke said smiling happily as he chugged the rest of his beer and went to get another.

"The name of the school is actually Hogwarts." Said Harry taking another small sip of Miller High Life. He couldn't help but notice how much different it was from the butter beer he usually drank, he didn't like it.

"Yeah we know we was just havin fun with ya." Squirrel said before opening another beer.

"How often do you two 'have fun' with people?" Harry asked somewhat dumb struck.

Squirrel and Zeke both just kind of laughed before taking a second look at their hands then Harry's before Squirrel reached in the couch and pulled out a bottle of hydrogen peroxide first pouring some over his own hand then passing it to Zeke who did the same.

"This is gonna sting a bit." Said Zeke as he handed the bottle to Harry who winced slightly as he poured it over his wounded hand.

"So if you got a moment can you tell us somethin?" Squirrel asked tossing an empty beer bottle into the corner.

"Sure I mean I guess." Replied Harry confused as he took another tentative sip of beer.

"Ok so there's been some talk about trailer house not bein a legitimitated house and what have ye. So what do we have to do to make it all legitimified?" Asked squirrel as he finished he 5th beer.

"Well I'm not exactly sure if this can become a legitimate house at Hogwarts, but I know that every house has a crest, a house ghost, and of course students to carry on it's name." Explained Harry still somewhat confused as to what the two could possibly be planning.

Several hours later Harry bid goodbye to the two Americans and staggered drunkenly back in the direction of the castle his tie tied around his head. The sun was setting but not quite down yet so he could find his way well enough in his current inebriated state.

"Dumbledore I want them gone!" Shouted an enraged Delores Umbridge at Dumbledore who was sitting in his desk hiding a slight grin behind his hands which were folded in front of his mouth.

"I'm sorry to tell you this Deloris but those young men have what one might call, how would you put it, a sort of diplomatic immunity." Stated Dumbledore calmly his grin only widening behind his hands.

"The minister will hear about this." Umbridge stated before storming out angrily.

Day 2

"Ok Dumbledude, we've been thinkin about this whole not havin a legitimate house thing and I think we understand it now." Said Squirrel doing his best to act professional while Zeke was in the back ground nonchalantly smoking a cigarette while he read one of Dumbledore's books.

Dumbledore released a tired sigh and rubbed his temple lightly he was so far beyond sick of hearing about this, though this new method of approach surprised him a bit.

"Now look we got one of them there house crest thingies." Said Squirrel setting down a picture which had a shield in the back like every other house crest but on it was a large menacing pit bull breathing fire.

Dumbledore looked from the drawing to the two young men in front of him a few times before scratching the side of his head. It was obvious they were trying, however this was simply ridiculous. With another tired sigh Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak but before he could he was interrupted by Squirrel.

"Plus we got us one of them there house ghost things!"

Dumbledore looked at the short wizard quizzically for a moment before he heard a loud crash behind him as one of his bookshelves fell over followed by the sound of several pots being smashed. Dumbledore sighed and rubbed his temples again, it was Peeves it just had to be Peeves the old man thought unhappily to himself.

"That still doesn't-" Dumble dore started before he was cut off by Zeke who had now lit another cigarette.

"I know, I know, we gotta have students and such, but don't worry we got that covered Dumbledude. We got some new students on their way."

"You can't simply bring any new student you want to Hogwarts." Dumbledore countered exhaustedly.

"Well technically seeing as how we've founded one of the now five houses of Hogwarts that makes us founders and I believe founder trumps headmaster Dumbledude." Retorted Zeke with a smile.

"So we got six thousand on their way." Squirrel added.

"No." Dumbledore responded flatly.

"Well how about three thousand?" Asked Zeke.

"No." Replied Dumbledore again.

"One thousand?" Squirrel asked lighting a cigarette.

"No." Said Dumbledore yet again.

"One hundred?" Zeke asked beginning to pick his belly button.

"No." Dumbledore said again with a tired sigh.

"Twenty seven?" Asked Squirrel as he took a drag from his cigarette.

"Once again the answer is no." Dumbledore said rubbing his temples as he felt himself getting a headache.

"Ok fine how about four?" Zeke asked becoming irritated.

"Fine." Agreed Dumbledore more for the sake getting them, and Peeves who had simply been on a destructive rampage for the entirety of their conversation, out of his office.

Squirrel and Zeke slapped five as they headed down the hall and back to their trailer they didn't know six thousand people but they did know four. Much to everyone's surprise and Squirrel and Zeke's chagrin they arrived on time to potions class. They sat in the back in their lawn chairs which Snape had long since given up trying to get rid of them.

"What? You two ran out of cousins to sleep with?" He said flatly, testing the waters of this strange new behavior.

"Nah man, we still sleep together sometimes, she just says she ain't ready to settle down yet. But between you and me, professor, I have more of a thing for her sister anyways." Squirrel replied nonchalantly.

"Hmm, well, moving on, open your books to page one hundred and forty seven."

The two Americans were quiet for the entire time Snape was giving his lecture on poisons, but the class seemed to be entirely perplexed by the two Americans lack of acting out constantly. It was the first time they had experienced a normal class since they had arrived at Hogwarts. Students would occasionally glance back at them, but instead of receiving negative attention in return, they were actually paying attention to Snape.

Once they had finished the lesson, everyone began to pack up their things, taking care to avoid ruining the fresh notes they had just taken. But the bustle was broken by Snape's voice a final time inside the dreary classroom.

"Today, I feel that we should have, say, a bonus question? Ten points to whichever one of you who can tell me the most effective way to negate the effects of an earsplitter drought."

Hermione Granger's hand did it's usual rocket towards the ceiling, but she was interrupted by voices from the back of the room.

"Three crushed up Scarab beetles, man." Both Squirrel and Zeke had stated in unison, to the completely and utter surprise to everyone in the room.

"That is…er…that is correct." Snape said in an obvious air of surprise.

"Well, maybe these two aren't as stupid as they look." Burst an obnoxious Malfoy.

"Well, I mean they taught us a lot back in America. Plus you deal with all sorts of weird shit in a wizarding trailer park." Zeke replied calmly, actually ignoring the jab Draco had taken at them,

"Are you two an example of those weird things?"

"Look, kid, we ain't buying into it. We are dealing with alcohol withdrawal, what with having to be sober and all, now ain't the time to be pushing our buttons. You ain't gonna be able to piss us off like you want to, and god help you if ye did, anyways." Squirrel stated with a look of finality.

"Yeah your mother didn't want to buy into it when she had you, but she did."

"Malfoy…" Snape attempted to interject before he was interrupted by a loud crash and a high pitched squeal from Draco as Squirrel's fist smashed into his jaw and he fell out of his chair with a crunch.

Day 3

Zeke and Squirrel awoke to the all too familiar melodic stylings of Dixie playing on a car horn. When they walked outside they were greeted by the glorious sight of a beat up old red pickup truck being driven by a skinny pale bearded man in a wife beater and jeans, a pale half-Asian boy in a black hoodie and sweat pants sitting in the back on the left side


End file.
